lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
