My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
