haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
