I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
