I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
