You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.