my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it