My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
