I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
