you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize