a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
