You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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