I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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