i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
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Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
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I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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