i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
