you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
