Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
