I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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