Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
