now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
