Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
