you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
