My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
