I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
