Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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