my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
