I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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