Having a random hookup so left but love u
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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