my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
