Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
