waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
