and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
