I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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