So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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