Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
