i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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