I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
