i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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