Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
