did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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