there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
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He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
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i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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