seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
