I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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