WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
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when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
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Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that