New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
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Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
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Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?