A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
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Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
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Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...