ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
