nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
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Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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