Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
