Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
