He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
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We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
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The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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