No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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