Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
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Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
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NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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