I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The uberlube is also flammable
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
