That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
