if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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