I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
50% drunk capacity currently
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
